Let’s Talk About Toxic People

Nothing can deflate your confidence faster than a toxic person. Toxic people literally poison you with their negativity or manipulation. They may or may not be aware of their impact, but that doesn’t excuse the toll they take. Toxic people are responsible for 100% of their own behavior, and it takes a strong personality to withstand their influence.

Being in the company of toxic people can subtly strip away your defenses and leave you vulnerable to their toxicity. There is a term “how does a fish know it’s in water?” That relates to the notion that someone can be so steeped in something that they are simply unaware of its impact or presence. Perhaps you are in relationship with a toxic person and you don’t even know it because it is so normal for you. Here are a few examples of toxic personality types and some of the characteristics to be on the lookout for:

The Gossip- The gossip thrives on sharing details about everyone. No one is off limits, and the goal is usually to divert the attention from their own poor behavior onto someone else’s. They revel in the bad luck of others and have no mercy or grace for unfortunate things that can happen. A gossip may seem like a confidant and close friend as they can be charismatic. They are usually just as willing to talk about you as they are anyone else. Beware!

The Martyr- The Martyr comes across as a helper. Sometimes giving so much it hurts - you and them. The Martyr has a hidden agenda: anger. The Martyr usually has a need for validation that is insatiable. Instead of asking for what they want directly, they drop hints or manipulate and become angry and use the blame game when their needs are not met.

The Victim- The Victim is always on the wrong end of the stick. It’s them against the world and ‘you’ are part of ‘the world.’ The Victim measures their worth by straws and theirs is always shorter. They not only fail to take action for their own happiness, they abdicate their power willingly by acting helpless and hopeless. 

The Villain- Some people are just plain mean. The Villain is angry all the time and justifies their anger and the associated fall-out by gaslighting and running over people. Generally, a villain is a very broken person who is dealing with layers of anger and sadness that leaks out as aggression.

The Passive-Aggressive- The PA is never mean - to your face. The PA is generally somewhere between a Martyr and Gossip. They do all they can to be a support and then set people up for the fall. They pit people against one another and cause a lot of turmoil, but sometimes never catch the blame because no one is positive they did something mean.

The Debbie Downer- The Debbie Downer is always waiting for the sky to fall right there next to Chicken Little. Their mantra is ‘why bother, nothing ever works out for me.’ The Debbie Downer requires a lot of emotional support and can make for a very inequitable relationship.

The Know-It-All- The Know-It-All is difficult to be in relationship because they are the primary focus. Since they know it all, they really don’t need other people in their lives other than to teach what they know. If the people in their path don’t want to learn from them, they will run them over with their assertiveness. 

The Emotional Vampire- Whether happy or sad, the EV literally sucks the energy from your body. The EV requires multiple touch points per day to feel connected and propped up. The EV is needy and irrational and easily offended. Relationships with an EV require daily sacrifice and a constant setting aside of your preferences. 

Toxic people are not worth the energy and effort it takes to be in relationship with them. They are the kryptonite for confidence. Recognize who is in your life that is toxic and begin to minimize your relationship or end it when possible.

You need to protect yourself from ALL toxic people...even family. Take the time to reflect on your inner circle of people and observe how they treat people. Are they loving? Kind? Caring?

How do you treat people? Are YOU loving? Are you kind? Are you caring?

Until next time...

Cheers!

Lisa

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