How Does a Mother Say Goodbye? | A Mother's Grief
Memories and emotions wash over me in waves...peaceful sleep evades me...my head and chest feel like rubberbands constrict my thoughts and breath...I can't find the words...there's no pretending anymore...the stages of grief are upon me.
It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions as my son succumbed to Covid19 alone in the CCU. During this week, I occupied my time with work and trying to be of service to others because the waiting for updates was unbearable and this seems to be the best use of my time in between prayer, meditation, and self-care.
After one of my praying sessions, Adam Levine's song "Memories" came on and touched my heart. I’m now listening, praying, remembering, laughing, crying, and just feeling all the emotions that are attached to this experience.
We all hurt sometimes…
On November 6th, via video, I said goodbye to my son…Covid was too powerful for his lungs, kidneys, and heart. I shared some of the memories that were bubbling up for me, I sang the songs I sang to him when he was a baby over forty years ago, and I told him how much I loved him. I shared the song from Maroon 5 that has comforted me and allowed the memories to flow. My heart tells me he heard me.
I called friends and family…
…and now I wait for my son's body to return home to me…
This song is bringing me some comfort, and I've shared it with family, friends, and social media with the hope that it brings others comfort as well. I've listened to different covers posted on YouTube. And this video, sung by my talented friend Caleb Sasser, has been played over and over again. Music has a way of healing and offers comfort in unbearable moments, even if it's just playing in the background.
Memories bring back, memories bring back you...
As the memories bubble up for me, I'm grateful that my son felt the powers of love, faith, strength, and will. I have faith he felt the weight of the prayers from around the world.
As a mom, I just want to fix things…hold his hand…hug him…and I do, in my heart.
I thank the prayer warriors for their prayers, kind words, and positive thoughts.
I’m not sure how a mom says goodbye to her son, but I’m learning.
Saying goodbye to your child is one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a lot of experiences.
For many years, I pondered the question, "How does a mother leave her child?" I couldn't understand why my own mother left her children; I was only two years old and my brother six weeks old. To my knowledge, she was never heard from again.
Yet, parents leave all the time...for all sorts of reasons or excuses. Divorce happens...even though divorce is supposed to be between the couple, not their children. Relationships change, job transfers happen, and life happens. People change, move on, and go away. It happens more than we know or like to admit.
My heart is broken…
This video comforts my heart as I process the death of my son. Caleb sings the song that has become the bridge that allows my memories to bring back memories. I do not own the copyright to the music and am grateful for the talented musicians that are able to capture the voice and sounds that bring comfort.
I’m so blessed to have a caring network of family, friends, and acquaintences that have reached out to offer condolences, prayers, love, and support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now my heart feels like an ember and is lighting up the dark...
Life has led me down paths that have taught me the importance of our personal powers and Godly attributes of love, faith, understanding, knowledge, will, order, and release. I've developed forgiveness, gratitude, meditation, and self-care practices that offer healing, self-love, and freedom. And as a guide on these paths, I not only rely on them for myself but teach them to others. This is my way of being an ember...of illuminating the way to healing, peace, and love. I need to do this for myself, and I need to do this for my son...and for all the other mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children...all the others...that are touched by grief, loss, and love.
I'm not a scientist nor do I know what to believe or do about the pandemic, but this I do know to be true: Covid19 has changed how we live and how we die. My son is just one of the millions that have sophicated to death...when will this stop?
How does a mother say goodbye?
Everyone hurts sometimes...
And we are hurting...it's time to heal...to remember...to live...
...remember, death ends a life, not a relationship.
Toast to the ones here today...
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way...
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way...
We don't have to say goodbye...
Until next time,
Lisa
The life philosophy of A House With Four Rooms suggests thinking of yourself as being four rooms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual rooms. It advocates for doing something daily for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.